Unknown, unseen, unheard, and unaccountable “Sensitivity Readers” have rewritten Roald Dahl.

Why not just burn the books?!

Roald Dahl was accountable for his words.

Augustus Gloop is a glutton run amok in a chocolate factory. Dahl says Gloop is fat. Dahl knows. He created Gloop. It is not for you, me, or anyone else to say what Gloop is.

But, we live in a day where certain people simply know better.

Have you noticed that 100% of the people who claim to know what’s good for you have one thing in common? They are universally unlikeable, bad writers.

Or, is that two things?

I call them the “That’s Not Funny People.” TNFers. Same people who fired Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima, and Mia. What do you mean who’s Mia?

Mia is the iconic Land O Lakes squaw, who since 1928, put a good face on saturated fat. Today, if Mia wants to butter her bread, she needs EBT.

Snap, Crackle, Pop, and Cap’n Crunch, meanwhile, enjoy full employment. It’s all part of corporate America’s toxic migration to an exclusively white, male mascot system.

TNFers consistently make things worse in the name of making them better. They can draw a line. They just can’t land one.

Gloop has been fat since he was conceived by Dahl in 1964.

I get fat. I was fat until my choices killed me. I wasn’t enormous. I was fat.

Bad writers take Gloop from “fat” to “enormous” and call it progress.

On the page, “fat” calls to mind a kid who should lose some weight. He may or may not be enormous. When I hear “enormous”, I think “elephant.”

When Dahl chooses “fat” children get it. Children are not brittle. They want to get it.

Bad writers waste your time with eight letters and two syllables.

Dahl does it in three letters plus one syllable.

“Fat” is punchy. “Fat” tells the story. “Fat” invites your imagination to wonder how fat.

Good writers know “fat” goes with Gloop.

Bad writers never say “fat.”

They don’t have the balls.

Bad writers become sad, pathetic, uninteresting, unfunny, broke, angry, frustrated by their lack of talent, “Sensitivity Readers”.

Q: How was your day?
A: Great! Oompa Loompas are gender-neutral now!

TNFers all.

The Guardian reports:

“Oompa Loompas were ‘small men’, they are now ‘small people’.”

“Small people” brought to you by small minds.

100% of Oompa Loompas agree that when you chop the balls off even one Oompa Loompa, that is not an edit.

It is a rewrite of a book and of history.

Conformity is the enemy of good writing.

A virtuous spokesmen for the Netflix-owned, Roald Dahl Story Company assures readers that the castration of every Oompa Loompa was “carefully considered.” As if even one word chosen by Dahl was ever casually considered.

That some faceless hack got like $20 an hour to cast Oompa Loompas as enuchs is misgendering of the most spurious sort; the latest notch in the belts of those who make it their lot in life to metaphorically cut boys’ balls off in the name of sensitivity.

That is enormously insensitive.