Always Thought Pork Comes From The Store
Since my ironic death from a heart attack on National Fried Chicken Sandwich Day, I was, pun intended, heartened to learn that lean meat is life, unless, of course, you happen to be the pig.
Take pork chops. Pork chops come from the store. I know because for Christmas my wife says: “Grab some pork chops from the store.”
And, there they are. As they always are. At the store.
Julie doesn’t say: “Get a piglet, feed it for six months, slaughter it, cut it up, weigh it, wrap it, and tag it.”
She knows the homeowner’s association is having none of that!
In March, my son marries into a large Filipino family. They like pork chops, too.
$29 buys the Whitneys four, five-star pork chops. The Ninofrancos get the whole 120 pound hog, plus the apple, for five hundred bucks — flamethrower not included.
Speaking of apples, words matter. We know this from the other Apple.
Had Steve Jobs released a hand-held computer with an operating system you’ve never heard of, made by children in slave factories, but, “Hey, it does phone things,” right-minded people would be repulsed.
But, a phone made by child slaves?
“Does it say ‘Congrats!’ Does it say ‘Thoughts and prayers’ and ‘You go girl?' How much for the family plan?”
Words matter for phones and pork chops. If they called pork chops pig chops, pigs would roam free, and coyotes would drive the toothpick sector.
In my first life, I was a Denny’s “well-done bacon” guy; the “well-done” being a critical element of my multilayered, genius plan to, ya’ know, hedge my bets against unwitting, sudden death by ironic heart attack.
Not once do I order pig bacon. Why? Because the Pig People know enough not to call it pig bacon, even though I do not know enough not to call the pig people the Pork People.
Who do you think runs the National Pork Producers Council? They are literally the Pig People. I know. I spoke at their boar meeting! HAHAHAHAHA! (I can do this all day.)
To be clear: A Pork Producer is a lobbyist. A Pig Producer is Harvey Weinstein.
Note to the Pig People: If you call pig’s feet, Porkios, and pig’s ears Pork Chips, you will make millions and my guy, Denny, will co-brand them in a milk shake!
For the pig, pork is the last thing that happens. As an end user of food, I must say, there’s a certain symmetry in that.
If you’re a pig who happens to be reading this, I’m a marketing guy and we should talk.
As for your illiterate, pudgy friends in the adjacent stalls, I have good news and bad news.
The good news? My bacon days ended with my first death on November 9, 2022.
The bad news?
Lean pork is part of a heart-healthy diet.
See you at the store.
Thoughts and prayers.